Editor’s note: This story talks about childhood sexual trauma.

Four years ago, for the first time in her life, Elysse Gywn sat down with a therapist.

There were some issues she was avoiding for many years, she was struggling with her marriage and was at an emotional breaking point. Healing was needed, and joy was not a part of her daily life.

“I realized that I had gone so long stuffing things down, and it just got to a point where I felt like it was almost oozing out of me,” Elysse said. “I couldn’t control it anymore.”

She wanted to stay married, but felt she lacked the tools to work through the issues or how to find peace and joy. For her, finally gaining the confidence to seek help was God showing her that He wasn’t going to let her dwell in the state she was in.

“He was very gracious in that process and provided me with resources and led me to the right people,” Elysse said.

Therapy wasn’t easy. Through those one-on-one sessions, she began uncovering some painful memories, including childhood sexual trauma that had been affecting her relationship with her husband, Thomas. To help process that trauma, she and her husband also attended couples counseling during this time.

“Things have done a massive 180,” Elysse said. “I feel like I’ve had two different husbands, like I’ve lived through two different marriages already. And not just the way God has transformed both of us individually, but our marriage as a whole, is just pretty incredible. All of the things that I’ve prayed for in great detail over the years — I’ve watched them happen.”

Even in her younger years and through difficult situations, Christ has been a part of Elysse’s life — starting around age six when her great aunt introduced her to the sinner’s prayer. That childhood faith blossomed in her late teens as she gained a strong sense of who Jesus is.

That relationship with Christ was a strong foundation. It helped her navigate other difficult seasons, including at a previous church where she was actively serving. When some significant issues within the church came to light to her parents, her family left that church. Elysse wasn’t given an explanation at the time, but the friendships and community she had developed unraveled and left her feeling alone.

“The amazing thing to me at the time was I never questioned God about anything,” Elysse said. “That was one of the first times I saw God as a friend and felt his friendship and comfort through lots of nights when I was by myself and isolated.”

Elysse’s faith deepened to another level when her family found their church family more than 10 years ago. She said the teaching transformed her understanding of what Jesus did on the cross, the New Covenant his sacrifice created and how she sees herself and loves others.

That has carried into the new season of the church when it became Grace & Purpose Church. 

“Getting to go on that faith journey alongside all these people who I’ve known for years is pretty cool,” Elysse said, “because we’re all learning and growing together, getting free together from religion, and it’s just really beautiful.”

Going through therapy has helped Elysse strengthen those relationships and to be a safe person for others to confide in.

“I think because of the healing process that I have gone through so far, I carry a lot less shame,” she said. “I’m able to be vulnerable and the first to speak in certain settings and share.  And that, I’ve found, inspires other people to share as well. I have so much more confidence now and more assuredness of who I am and how much God loves and cares for me.”

Reflecting on her journey, Psalm 34:18-19 (ESV) comes to mind for Elysse: “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.”

Understanding God’s truth, feeling His love, being around a supportive, compassionate community and finding the tools through therapy to process her emotions has helped Elysse discover true joy.

“Joy is the unwavering and consistent version of happiness,” she said. “Being happy is very circumstantial; it can change in an instant. And with joy, it’s internal, it’s not circumstantial. So it’s something that we have access to at any point in time, and no matter what you’re facing, you can still choose to shift your perspective and choose to look at things positively or maintain that sense of hope despite what you’re going through.”

On her forearm is a simple French phrase to remind her of the journey she’s been on: “joie de vivre”, the joy of living.

“It was something that I had to fight for, for so long,” she said, adding she knows she can no longer be passive when she senses internal struggle coming on. “For me, joy goes so hand-in-hand with peace. If my internal world feels at peace, then joy is going to be automatic.”

It’s been a couple of years, but recently Elysse has started therapy sessions again when she noticed some thoughts were resurfacing. She knows how difficult it will be, but at the same time, is excited and hopeful for the process because she knows how much good God brought from it the first time.

“I know now is the time to dig in,” she said. “God’s doing the healing work in me, and it’s going to be great.”